Happy New Years. I'm at work. I'm sitting at Haslet FD station, using their computer. I'm not so bitter now as I was in my last post. I did acutally get a Hanukkah. The day after that post, my mom invited me over for hanukkah festivites. I think Rachael said something to her about me being upset. So I still didn't let latkes, I'm actually not that big a fan of dreidles, and I can get better chocolate than comes in the coins, but we did go eat Chinese food, and I got some gifts. I got my big fluffy terry cloth bath robe and fluffy slippers, some colorful, fuzzy scarves, and a couple other things I can't remember. Overall, it was lots of fun. A bunch of mother and daughters bonding and such. We watched a movie. I got home late. And I felt much better. And last night I got to give Stacy and Chase their gifts, and it was more fun than getting my own.

Well, I must leave the computer and the company of the fire station and go back to my closet and await for the world to fall apart with all the new year's eve festivus. I'll see you next year.

Yesterday didn't feel like Christmas. Ok, so I was in a uniform at a crappy closet-sized station, but we were brought leftover turkey and stuff, and we drank cider and eggnog, and we watched A Christmas Story. But it still didn't feel like Christmas. I had no Chinese food, I saw no family, and I only got to see A Christmas Story once. Well, not even once; the DVD was scratched, so I didn't even get to see Ralphie almost shoot his eye out. And now Hanukkah is all but ruined. My step-dad and kid brother went camping for a week -they left this morning- so my mom has decided that she isn't going to do anything with Hanukkah until they get back on the 31st. I work that day. So I pretty much don't get a hanukkah. This is how people feel when no one calls them and wishes them Merry Christmas and they have no family to spend it with. I'm really bummed. No latkes, no dreidles, no chocolate coins, or family ripping open gifts. Every night that my family has planned Hanukkah festivities is a night that I am stuck at work. Thanks a lot guys. Same to you.

I hate that I have to work on New Years Eve. I'm going to miss everything and I don't even get holiday pay.

I am working tomorrow, so I can't do the traditional Jewish custom of Chinese food and a movie on Christmas day. So I made up for it today. Erin (friend from high school, studying astrophysics at UCLA) came into town, and she and Rachael and I went to a late lunch in Garland's very own China town, then we caught a double feature. First we saw Memoirs of a Geisha, then it was off to Munich. I highly recommend both films. Memoirs was absolutely beautiful, and it was the perfect movie to see after stuffing oneself on asian cuisine. The cast was phenomenal, and while there was plenty of sorrow in this film, it wound up with a happy ending. It seemed to last just long enough. Munich was also a well crafted film, and it created a strange surge of patriotism for my other homeland. It was a really long film though. The only problem I had with it was that you just couldn't tell when it was going to end. Just when you think "oh, this must be the ending, or pretty near to it," another hour goes by and more conflict arises. But I didn't really mind that much. I could sit and watch Eric Bana all day long, even if he isn't really a Jew (but he sure had me convinced). It's almost enough to make me want to rent Hulk and actually watch it. All in all, both of these movies get A's with me. Go see them. Now. I mean it.

Happy Hanukkah.

And Merry Christmas.

We ran a call in the middle of the night that took 3 hours to complete. And it was a stupid call. The guy's wife (and POA) couldn't decide if she wanted to force her husband to go to the ER in the middle of the night for something that I TOLD HER WOULD BE MORE APPROPRIATE AT A DOCTOR'S OFFICE. I got him to agree to allow her to take him to the DOCTOR'S OFFICE later in the week, and she took that to mean that we thought he should go to the ER. So I took this poor guy, with nothing really wrong (he might have been developing pneumonia but had no change in vital signs or complaints of difficulty breathing) and who did not want to go, to the ER at 2am, so he could sit there for hours around sick people and not get any sleep. How does that help him get better? All he needed was a doctor's visit and an antibiotic prescription. (I know it's not exactly that easy, but basically.) End of this particular rant... Anyways, I got no sleep last night and I was exhausted when my relief showed up at the station this morning.
I got home from work this morning at about 8am. I decided that I would sleep for a couple of hours to make up for the lost sleep that night. Instead, I slept until 1230pm. I lost half my day. And tonight I will be tired and go to bed at a fairly reasonable hour, then sleep in tomorrow. This seems to be a regular trend for my days off. I see two problems with this. 1)Why am I so frickin tired all the time? 2) And why am I so frickin tired all the time?

Tonight is Scott's 23rd birthday party. His birthday is tomorrow. I can't believe he's grown up this much. He has come so far since I met him when he was 7 and I was 10. He works part-time at Target, and makes enough money to pay his own bills, and, with help from my mom, manages to control his finances and has even put almost $2000 in his savings. (That's better than me.) He is also taking college classes at Brookhaven, and he has almost completed all of the transfer requirements with the appropriate GPA to transfer to A&M. The kid wants to follow in my footsteps. How proud am I? His social skills have vastly improved, and many people who meet him for the first time notice something strange about him, but they sure do have a hard time figuring out what it is. He has come so much further than I ever could have imagined that he could have come when I first met the malnourished, self-starved, autistic, non-talking "lost case" that he was at 7 years old. It will be a joy to see his future accomplishments. Scottie, I'm so proud of you.

I have found the one thing that I enjoy doing, even though I do it badly. Bowling. I got to go out last night with a friend from work and some of his friends. We had dinner at Hooters (they have good wings ya know) and then we went bowling. I am such a horrible bowler, and I have so much fun doing it. That's new for me. I've found that bowling, like rollercoasters, is more fun when you scream a lot. We got there after curfew when all the 18-year olds and under have to go home, so it was only us adults, and hopefully we didn't annoy the crap out of anyone. I think we were very amusing to the group next to us. We talked about going bowling on a regular basis. I hope we do. That would help me toward my goal of having a social life and activities outside of work.

I spent most of the day today spending my hard earned money, and then wrapping gifts. I think I've gotten gifts for everyone now. I also bought a lot of socks today. I think it's weird that I never remember to buy socks when I go to the store. Then I get to the point where I have 5 socks because the rest had holes in them, so I become a woman on a mission. I am now the proud owner of 40 pairs of socks, in various colors and styles, work and casual, short and long, etc. I won't need socks for a while.

I have this problem with a leak in my apartment. For a couple of months I've been hearing this dripping noise coming from the wall that divides my kitchen from the living room. But I saw no evidence of water damage. Then, a couple of weeks ago there was water dripping from the lightbulb in my laundry room. The leak stopped after about 24 hours, but a couple of days ago the walls in my laundry room have mold all over them. I had been told by the complex manager that they were going to send someone to investigate the leak. The first guy who came the day after the water dripping stuff basically told me that it had to be a fluke because they couldn't find any signs of water leaking on the floor in the apartment above mine. And today when they were supposed to be investigating the leak, well all they did was repaint the walls in my laundry room. Last time I checked, paint doesn't stop mold; elimination of the dampness stops mold. I'm frustrated. You'd think they would want to get this thing fixed. It's their apartment building that's being damaged. And they're liable for my stuff if I wind up getting water damage to my stuff. That reminds me, I need renter's insurance.

So I've been trying to branch out, try new things, make some memories and such. In an effort to accomplish this, I asked Stacy to do something with my hair. Since she started school at Toni&Guy, she has become my permament stylist. So I decided to start her on her first task with my hair last night. And I decided to play with color. I've missed the blonde of my childhood, so I decided to revisit it. Oh my was it a shock. I didn't think it would be that big of a change. It is. I'm getting used to it though. And I went out in public today, to the mall, and walking around the makeup counters at Foley's, I kept seeing myself in the mirrors, and I think I really like it. I'm going to add some low-lights to tone it down, and I'm going to have Stacy cut it on Tuesday. So it will be totally different soon. You should all call me so you can see it. If I ever figure out this stupid computer stuff, I'm going to post a pic on my blog. That may take a while though.

I'm really looking forward to Christmas and Hanukkah this year. I've been busy buying stuff for people, and I'm excited to give everyone their stuff. And I'm looking forward to post-holiday paychecks. I am working Chrstmas and New years this year, so I'm in for some good holiday pay. All the better to pay my rent with.

Can anyone help me with a pop-up problem? I deleted some seemingly superfluous programs from my computer a month ago. Apparently, one of those programs had some pretty good pop-up blocking stuff in it, because while I NEVER had pop-ups before, I have them all the time now. I can't even get through 5 minutes online without several pop-ups blocking my screen. It drives me crazy. And none of the stuff I've downloaded will block these things. Ugh. Help.

How fun is it to drive around a city in an ambulance on icy roads rescuing people from their own stupidity? Well, the rescuing stupid people can be fun at times depending on the situation, but the icy roads part is not fun. At all. I had to do this for 24 hours yesterday. I live in TEXAS for crying out loud. It's not supposed to get that cold here, at least not in D/FW, maybe the panhandle. Isn't that why people live in Texas? Sure snow is great. It's a fun treat for the 3 hours it sticks around every 3 years we get it. But ice is crap. And Texans DO NOT know how to drive on it. There were so many accidents on the roads of FW yesterday that were caused by stupid people driving too fast. We were transporting (very slowly I might add) a legitimate patient from far north FW to downtown. The roads were an ice block, and we drove 10-20 mph in order to keep from sliding off the road. When we got into downtown, this guy flew down the freeway past us, then immediately proceeded to slide across three lanes (um, sideways), hit the wall and then was hit by another car. Hello?...stupid. We reported the accident but couldn't stop as we were already engaged with another patient. It was another 10 minutes before we got to the hospital- because we were driving reponsibly- and we still hadn't heard an ambulance dispatched to this accident - there just weren't enough ambulances to cover all the calls we were getting on stupid people like this. Ok, so I'm cynical. People, use your brains. That's the reason G-d gave them to you. Be responsible for yourself, and don't do things that are unreasonably dangerous and could get you killed. I'm sure this guy was fine-I've seen enough accidents like this and people are rarely seriously injured. But something bad could've happened.

I got hardly any sleep last night because I kept getting dispatched on accidents on icy roads in our vicinity. I was tired because I had stayed up until 2am working an overtime shift the day before my 24 hour shift. Every time I would try to take a nap or go to bed, I would get comfortable and then they [dispatchers] would dispatch me on a call. I love my job. Being a paramedic is fun when you don't let the cynicism take hold and choke the life out of you. I think I've mastered control over my cynicism. But it just amazes me how stupidly people behave. When there's ice on the roads, drive slowly. It's that simple.

And I want to kiss the person who invented those charcoal hand warmers. They are really a finger-tip saver. It's hard starting IVs with frozen fingers.

I left work in the middle of my shift yesterday for a few hours to go to Deborah's Bridal Shower. I always knew that all of Deborah's friends were unusually pretty, but I had no idea that they were all so sophisticated. It was almost like a scene out of Sex and the City with Charlotte and her old prep school friends. Everyone was so pretty and well dressed, well behaved and proper. We ate off of china and we served our little cakes with SILVER. The pretty silver with all the scrolls and feathery details on the handles that are so hard to polish. I must say that I felt rather crude sitting there with all of these Ladies, knowing that before I left work to go to the Shower, I was wearing cargo pants with a blood stain on the knee and boots that are so beat up that no amount of polish will make them pretty again. How do I get friends like this for myself? I loved it. I felt like I too can be a pretty lady and be sophisticated. I can always pretend, but I want to be like that for real. And just how do you make such perfectly smooth and soft fudge covered with cocoa powder? I want that recipe. Anyways, I had a lot of fun. Deborah got a lot of pretty things. Man I need to get married so I can get cool toys and stuff for my home and kitchen... Hello!...Nice Jewish boys!...Where are you?

So today was my Day Off for the week. I got to eat a leisurely breakfast when I got home from work this morning, then I was off to the gym for an hour and a half workout. Note: Gym is more fun when you have a comfortable sports bra. And I never would have found it if i hadn't gone to REI for silk long underwear for Deborah. The rest of today has been catching up on Tivo and all of my favorite missed programs. I should have gone out and "been productive" today, but I didn't have anything I could do without spending money, and I'm really trying to save so I have more money for gifts and organizational supplies to beautify my lovely apartment. If I can't get and keep my apt pretty now, when I'm single, then how on earth will I keep it pretty when I'm *eventually* married with little tots.

I discovered on Friday that I have a leak in my laundry room, coming from the apartment above mine. I've been hearing *drip drip drip* for a couple months now, but with no evidence of water leakage or falling ceilings, I couldn't do much about it. I couldn't even tell where the sound was coming from. Well, it was coming from my laundry room, as evidnced by the large pool of water on the floor and the steady dripping of water from THE LIGHT BULB! Talk about a fire hazard. So they have to come cut a hole in the ceiling and search for the leak before my apartment catches fire and I lose my precious kitties and all my worldly possessions. Dang, I really need to invest in renter's insurance....But aside from the little maintenance man running in and out of my apartment, I've been curled up on the couch, in my sweats, with a big blanket, and fuzzy cats taking turns sitting on my lap and smelling my hot chocolate. It's been nice. I hope my apartment doesn't fall apart while I'm at work tomorrow.

Well, it seems that everyone I know with a blog now is using this service, so I guess I will be a follower and use it too. I liked livejournal, but really, none of the people on my friends list there ever update their blogs anymore, so what's the point. And I guess this looks a little more grown up, and I am supposed to be a grown up now.

So Happy Thanksgiving everyone. It is now officially the Christmas Season. Not that it stopped people from playing Christmas music and putting up Christmas decorations three weeks ago.

I spent a nice evening at my grandparents house having dinner tonight. It was a very nice eving and everything was delicious. We were afraid that with my grandmother cooking, things might be a little bland because she's very into the low-fat, low-sugar, low-salt, low-flavor cooking, but she did a marvelous job making very bad for us food. And we sat around and teased each other, and my grandparents told stories about when they were young. Tonight I heard about how my grandparents eloped 50 years ago, tricking their rabbi into marrying them when he knew that their parents would be angry, and how, to their dying day, their fathers never really forgave them. Stangely, their mothers didn't really care that much.

Tomorrow, my family is having another Thanksgiving dinner that was planned weeks ago when my grandparents offered to host the real T-day feast. It was planned out of fear of the aforementioned bad food threat. So a whole bunch of family friends are coming over, and my mom is making way too much turkey, and way too many pies, and way too much of just about everything. I can't be there because I have to work my 24 hour shift. It's ok...I have leftovers. But my brother has been trying to get his new girlfriend to meet us so that he can hang out with us and with her at the same time, rather than only seeing her like he has been. She finally agreed to come to dinner tomorrow. Mitch says that this was her idea (after he mentioned it first), but now she has backed out at the last minute. This makes about the 5th thing that she's backed out of. She managed to come to my place for dinner one night, but that's about as close to the family as she's gotten. I keep telling Mitch to give it a rest. Stop asking her, stop inviting her. She'll want to come to things when she's ready. He's not listening.

Ok, so I guess that I'm ready to anounce now that I am once again single. It has now been a month since I've seen Ben, and almost three weeks since I've talked to him, but it's only been about a week since I've come to my senses and realized that it's over. And I am not at all satisfied with the way it ended. Last time I saw him, everything was great; we parted happily, with smiles and kisses. Last time I talked to him, he sounded very upset, and he said that he didn't feel like talking, but he'd call me back. Guess what? He didn't. I called him a few times to find out what was going on, but he never returned those calls either. WTF? And no, he's not dead; that's what I thought first too. I saw him, alive and well, and looking kinda happy at one of his mall kiosks. I was so upset I walked right past and left the mall without finishing my shopping and without trying to talk to him. I don't know if he saw me or not. But I do know he's a coward if he couldn't tell me himself that it's over.

So, Jewish men everywhere, beware, I am on the prowl again.

Deborah sent me an email link to her blog. So I started reading it and I decided that I wanted to post comments, especially considering that she is going to be so far away and this is a good way to stay up to date on the little goings on in her life. But I wanted her to actually know it was me posting on her blog. So I created this blog, so that i could just log in and post. I may not actually use this as a blog, but rather an inlet into other blogs. I have recently begun using my blog from the good ole' college days. If you want to read it that address is: www.livejournal.com/users/lizzyjeanne. So, when I titled this blog "not really here" that is simply because I am not really here. If you happen to find the website for this blog (I believe it is nothingisgonnachangemyworld.blogspot.com), that is a vague reference to a Beatles song titled Across the Universe, found on their album Let It Be. It's a great song, and a great album, I suggest you listen to it a few times. Anyways, I'm off to make comments on other peoples' blogs.