Bad news, good news.

I have been having some unsettling problems lately. Off an on, starting around the first of the year, I have had some excruciating back and leg pains. The first time it happened, it started at work, and by the time I left in the morning, my back hurt from my neck to my butt, and I stayed in bed on a heating pad for most of the two days I was off. Since then I have had random pains that came on slowly for no reason, in random places, then just went away without anything specific that I did making any difference. Over the last two weeks I have been in pain more than not. Last Thursday, I went to spend the evening with my Mom, and I was in so much pain I could barely keep up with her when we went grocery shopping and to the book store. I had not really thought anything of the pains until then. I thought I was just hurting myself at work or at the gym. But the pain has not fully gone away for over a week, and it was so bad at work the other night that I could barely do my job.

There is no cause that I can find for these pains. I eat healthy foods, I take my vitamins, I exercise, and I am in very good health. I have not had any heavy lifting at work, and I have actually toned DOWN my workouts. So I have done my research, and the only thing I can find that might be causing this is fibromyalgia. I went to the Fibromyalgia and Fatigue Center's website, and I have many of the symptoms. I had not linked them together before. So I made an appointment, but it's not until Feb 15th. I guess that gives me plenty of time to fully explore all the aspects of my worsening symptoms.

I am worried this is going to continue affecting my work. I am also worried about one of the symptoms I saw on the website: depression. When I read that one, I blew it off. I am normally a happy person, and things going wrong dont usually damper my optimism. I woke up crying this morning because the pain was so bad, and now that the paid has gotten a little better today (like it usually does) every little thing still sets me off to crying. A twinge of pain when I stand up, the thought of taking out the garbage, a stupid tv show or commercial. I cry. I am worried that all of these symptoms are going to get worse. And I have over two weeks until my appointment.

Ok, this is not going to be all bad news and feeling sorry for myself. Last Thursday, I spent several hours with my mom. It was the first time I had seen or talked to her since Hanukkah. It was nice. She seems like she is doing well. She has started making more friends, she has lost 60 pounds, and she is going out and doing things. The divorce is finalized, but I think she is still holding on to Jerry, or he is holding onto her. I am not sure. But overall she is putting her life in perspective. We went grocery shopping while we waited for her prescriptions at Target. Then we got dinner at Rockfish and went book shopping at Borders. I love that place. Despite the pain, we had a good time.

Oh, one more bit of bad news. My grandmother died on Friday early in the morning. We had been expecting it, as she had been in the hospital in a coma since Tuesday. She went in for a bad case of shingles, had a heart attack, went into a coma, was put on an external pacer, and went into kidney failure. She had been ill and in very poor health for a long time. There is not going to be a funeral. She was creamated. We will be spreading her ashes sometime in the spring after everything in Michigan thaws. My mother's family started cleaning out her apartment before she was dead. They have already divided all theri booty. So I doubt that I will be getting any of the things my grandmother had promised me during my childhood. My opal ring was given to my mother's aunt by my uncle. Once again, anyone related to my mother gets nothing. I just wanted that heirloom that I could pass on to my daughter. But I guess I shouldn't expect things to change just because my grandmother has died.

I am being social

So one of the best things in life are good friends. And I am out to cultivate and create friendships. I have reconnected with my friend Leanne from A&M. She moved back here over a year ago after trying the post-college thing in up-state New York. I hadn't seen her since the weekend before staring to date Jeremy again. I must admit, it was my fault because I just sorta stopped hanging out with other people when we started spending lots of time together. And I promise that will never happen again! So I got in touch with Leanne when she sent me an Evite to go to this Hadassah thing (Jewish women's orgainization). So last Thursday we went to "Martini's and Massages" at this place called the Facial Shoppe off of Preston and Royal. And then today we went to the Natural Science Museum to the Body Works exhibit. Then we saw an IMAX movie, and then we went to dinner. Dinner lasted for three hours. We did a lot of catching up and storytelling about old friends and stuff. It was great. I decided as soon as I broke up with Jeremy that I was going to let my friends take up most of my time instead of new guys. So I joined Hadassah, and I am going to join a young professionals group at the JCC, and Beth Torah is starting a similar group also, based mostly on casual socializing. Leanne is also including me in on this Wednesday night dinner that she and some other Jewish women do every week. I have been really needing this. I need something to replace the void that Hillel left when I graduated. I need Jewish friends, and I need to get back into a Jewish frame of mind and start going to services again. That is the only way I am going to meet a quality Jewish man. I am realizing that Jdate alone is not going to cut it. So, maybe that is my New Years resolution (I did not think I was going to have one this year): To have a kick ass social life and have a lot of fun!

What have I been missing out on?

Ok, so since I broke up with Jeremy, I have been inundated with men. It's like they were all laying in wait in Jdate for me to reactivate and start paying for my account again. In the last week, I have been corresponding with 5 guys. They all want to talk to me on the phone, meet me for coffee, trade real email addresses. And they all seem nice. I don't know how many of them are prospects, since I haven't met any of them in person yet. But at least there is hope.

This being single thing is easier this time that it was last time I was single. And now I am crazy busy with work, friends, family, and such. I think it did me a lot of good to break up with Jeremy. I know what crazy is now, and I think I am less afraid to run away from it, so when I meet the next Mr Wacko, I am not desperate for something to do with my time, and I can easily walk away from him if he isn't what I want.

So nothing really has happened with any of these guys, but maybe something will happen with one of them. I'm hoping to at least get a couple of friends out of this, even if they aren't boyfriend-worthy. We'll see. And being on Jdate all the time keeps me at my computer, so I am actually checking my email. I am current on both of my email accounts. No more three month old mail. Who woulda thought?

Happy New Year

I broke up with Jeremy on the 29th, last Friday. I don't think he was surprised, considering we hadn't talked in two days since a discussion we had had about having nothing in common. The discussion is not why we stopped talking. We had been on a date and our movie plans got cancelled so he took me home early. The dicussion happened on the way home, and I asked him to come inside so we could finish it. He got pissy when he found out that I wanted him to come in to talk, and said he had to go buy something at the store for his mom. So I said "Fine," and slammed the door in his face. Just another good example of why things would never work out. His idea of fixing things is running away and ignoring them, and his mother will always be more important than me.

Of course I am a little sad that things did not work out. He is a good person, but he has too many problems, and he does not want to fix them badly enough to actually fix them. He would rather take his mothers advice over mine (and hers is always opposite of mine) when it was his mother's advice that got him where he is today, namely nowhere. He thinks I am just supposed to wait around for him to decide that he is going to grow up. Hopefully, he will eventually grow up. I won't be there. I want someone who can ALREADY make his own decisions and take responsibility for them.

I didn't think it would be that easy to end it. I just walked in his house, sat down on his bed, and said, " I don't think things are going to work out." He was sullen, but not visibly crushed, thankfully. I already pity him, I didn't need that. I told him he needed to work on his issues and he didn't need me around for that. I told him to stop dating and stop letting his mom force him into dating. I gathered my things and took him outside to give him his things. I said goodbye and I left. Well, I had to go back because I forgot to get my apartment key from him. His mom tried to tell me that they weren't running a social security scam! She said that she did not apply for it, the hospital and his father applied for it, and he got it because of his anxiety and ADD! Not even a week ago, Jeremy had told me that he got it because of the falsly diagnosed bipolar disorder. And he had always said that his mother was the one who arranged it. I can't believe she expected me to keep buying her lies. Why would they grant disability money for someone with ADD? Maybe I could get on disability... Jeremy had never lied to me and I have no reason not to believe his story.

Anyways, 5 days later and I still don't regret breaking up with him. I do miss him as a friend. I miss having someone to call and talk to every day. I miss having someone to hang out with on my days off. I don't think we have been friends for a while though. I couldn't trust him and I didn't respect him for the last couple of months. But I still miss back when we were friends.